It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
