I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
