the new term for farting is butt boxing.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
