He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
