I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
