I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Did I show you my penis last night?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
