everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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