I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
