i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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