My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
