I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
