I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
