I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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