finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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