The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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