I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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