I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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