You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
