I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
