How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
