I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
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Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
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door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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