last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.