I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.