stop calling my apartment porn island.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
