My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
