i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
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Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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