The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
