after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize