True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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