I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
