Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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