Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
