Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...