So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery