Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize