i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Randomize
