I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
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I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize