She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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