why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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