I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
