I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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