new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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