I cannot find my penis.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
