I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
