so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
