Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
