I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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