he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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