She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
