New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
