he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
