I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
