so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
