well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
handjob tips. give me some.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Pants are for mortals
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
