How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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