If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
