Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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