I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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