Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
