They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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