I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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