I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
